Cweth (cweth) wrote,
Cweth
cweth

Blue Sky

ok i'll set the scene... the sky is blue, it's a warm summery day in June. I've caffeinated myself with a rockstar energy drink, and i'm ready to go find something to do.

Basically, the only thing lately that's gotten me out to do anything is to find more caffeine to keep myself going. My energies have been so low, that my son is making up stories about how his Superhero friend Electricity Boy's father is so sluggish that he needs massive amounts of coffee just to stay awake.

Maybe it's the pot of coffee i drink in the morning when i'm back home, but being on the coast always makes me tired. Even sunny days, which have normally been quite energizing for me i only seem to manage to stay on my feet a little longer. Today i'm gonna do it tho. I slept in a little... but no naps and no quick lay-downs... no nothing but staying up today. So i'll prbly go for a walk down to Starbucks and grab a light-roast coffee... i'm not a big fan of coffee, so i go light-roast for less flavour and more caffeine, it's a great combination. I almost went and bought caffeine pills at the drug store the other day, and maybe i should. They work anyway...

I was going to take my son to a park this morning, but our playdate cancelled on us... hopefully we can get together with them before he has to go back to his father's house, because Linden sure Misses his little friend 'M' when we're up north.

When i was just came of age... not so long ago, but not yesterday... i was so dynamic that it was rare if i went too long without travelling or too long without meeting likeminded people. There'd be crowds of revellers come to bask in my radiant presence... lol, ok maybe i'm getting a little carried away. But i was definitely a reveller, and there were others always around.

Everything was so easy tho, when there's no responsibility, and the universe throws money at you for odd jobs or "contract" work in an array of skillsets. not tonnes of money, but the no responsibility part also included no fiscal responsibilities.

I haven't managed to keep up with the changing realities of my life... What i need is a way to find that energy in my new life. My life as a father.

Okay, i didn't do a very good job of setting the scene... Forgot to mention the fact that i'm bipolar, and that the low energy levels are very much a part of that reality as well... and one that i struggled with even in the Golden Age to which i was referring... but the solutions that worked then don't work now. Such as: sleeping all day and partying all night... not allowed; or making things more exciting with hallucinogenic substances... not very ok; or recharging myself with bouts of Brian Wilsonism... very not okay, but unfortunately still happens from time to time.

One thing that i would love to have in my life, but can't seem to afford it, is to have my art back... to be an active painter again. The thing is that i'm not that good, and so have no hope of making a living at it... but i love to do it. and doing something you love is definitely important... and doing GF isn't always an option ... :D

Well when i get back to Chase i'm going to set up my painting space and paint... everyday i'll try to do some painting... and writing used to be a large part of my life as well... which is one of the reasons i started this LiveJournal. The kind of inspiration i used to have doesn't seem to happen anymore, because one thing i have gotten good at doing is managing my manic episodes, and that's when inspiration used to strike.

Well i'm just rambling, and today the plan is to clean GF's house for her before the boy and i head up north again.
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